War Stories: 20 Years

Reflections on going to war, and the twenty-year fight to come home

26 December 2004.

It’s a day I can never forget.

The night before, I was playing guitar at my church, Oak Hills in San Antonio, for the Christmas service. We had a dinner after, and I was prayed over by Tata (who was the staff pastoral care minister), Pastor Max Lucado, and the worship team. Playing worship music took my mind off my impending deployment for a few hours, but the war was hanging over me as I tried in vain to sleep that night.

0400 on 26 December found me at the San Antonio International Airport, in line with hundreds of other people. Due to the Air Force’s concern over service members being attacked during travel, we deployed in small groups or as individuals, wearing civilian clothes, with no fanfare or sendoff. There were no flag-waving families, handshakes from Generals, or bands playing. Just anonymous and terrified people-turned-war-parts quietly boarding the scariest flights of our lives.

I’m sending you this note on December 27, because once I got on that flight from San Antonio to Baltimore, no one heard from me for a few days. It was after midnight before we were in the air again, so I left the USA sometime in the early morning hours of the 27th. We were not allowed to bring cell phones, and OpSec (operational security) rules were in place that we were to contact no one until we arrived at al Udeid Air Base in Qatar the next day. After a few days at al Udeid, I would eventually board a C130 transport and head to Balad Air Base in Iraq.

I’m going to share with you some of the things I experienced during that time, which to this day stands as the most transformative period of my life. Over the next few months, I’ll be releasing some letters, podcasts, and videos that we will call War Stories. These lessons are not going to focus so much on the gory details of combat neurosurgery (you can read my book No Place to Hide if you want those stories), but rather the questions raised and answered by facing the wars we all have to fight in life.

I’ve come to see my time in Iraq as a season of planting, pruning, and shaping; God used those months prepare me for a life I never could have imagined. Yet somehow, through the terror and tears, the 100+ mortar and rocket attacks, and the 200+ brain surgeries I performed there, the transformation from an untested young surgeon into a confident combat neurosurgeon readied me for wars I never imagined I’d face and would never have believed I could have survived.

So I’m sharing my War Stories, because you’re deployed too, my friend. All of us are in a fight we’ve been ordered into, and we’re all just trying to get home.

It was a train that took me away from here,

but a train can’t bring me home.

Tom Waits, Train Song

I’ll warn you: some of these stories are hard to hear, hard to live through, and they leave a mark. But I need to tell them, because they’ll remind you of your war stories too. And in the telling, we’ll grow and change together, find out some things about ourselves we need to prepare us for whatever comes next. Because, although life is beautiful and peace is possible, war is always brewing somewhere. It’s a promise Jesus made, “In this world, you will have trouble,” (John 16:33), so there’s no sense in pretending like the enemy has stopped fighting.

The good news is, all the wars end eventually, and the right side wins. We’ve read the end of the story, and it turns out good for us, remember?

So the secret is to learn to use the lessons we learn from the battles life brings to help us live more abundantly during times of peace.

The stories that make me the saddest are about veterans whose wars wrecked them in a way that defined the rest of their lives. I teetered on that PTSD precipice for a while myself, and the combined power of faith, Lisa’s love, a great family and community support, and understanding what my mind and brain were doing saved me.

Self-brain surgery wasn’t something I had yet conceived of or articulated in those days, so putting my life back together when it all fell apart took a lot of experimenting and research, many tears, countless prayers, and years of very hard work. I’m going to share that journey with you in these War Stories, to help you navigate whatever minefields your life has or will present to you.

Viktor Frankl is often quoted as having said, “What is to give light must endure burning,” although the source of that quote is not found in his published works. Nevertheless, the saying illustrates the point I’m trying to leave you with today: the wars you fight in your life either destroy you, or shape you into the person you’re supposed to be. God told Isaiah that he intended to “refine you in the furnace of suffering.” (Isaiah 48:10)

We don’t want to be defined by those sufferings, but rather refined.

Telling our War Stories, then, is not for the purpose of patting ourselves on the back for heroism or for simply surviving. We share the stories for the purpose of remembering what we’ve been through so we can more clearly see how we became who we are, how to help others find their way forward, and see how God was there all along, protecting, refining, and preparing us for what comes next.

Twenty years ago right now I was in the air, made of questions, and filled with fear:

• I didn’t know if I was smart or brave enough

• I didn’t know if I would be safe

• I didn’t know what was waiting for me when I landed

• I didn’t know what would be left of me if I came home

You have, or will eventually, faced your own wars (divorce, diagnosis, drama, death, _____________________, other trauma or tragedy or massive thing), and I’m sure you were filled with similar fears and questions. No Place to Hide is the history of my (literal) war. It wasn’t the last war I’d face, and whatever you’ve been through or are in now won’t be your last war either.

But here, twenty years later, I’m ready to look at my War Stories through a different lens. I hope you’ll be blessed with them as well. They’ll be sprinkled in the newsletter and on the podcast over the next few months, mirroring the days of my deployment, as a tribute to those we lost, those who never made it “home” in their spirit even if they survived the war, and for you as we learn to use self-brain surgery to reorder our minds after life brings the fight to us.

As we prepare for a new year, I pray that you find yourself armed with whatever tools you need to become healthier, feel better, and be happier in your life. And if I can contribute a lesson or two that helps “give light” to you in that quest, then it will have been worth the burning.

Me at Balad Air Base Iraq, after operating 20+ hours straight and surviving my first bombing (insurgents drove a truck bomb onto the base).

Lisa and I are praying for you.

Dum spiro spero,

Lee

Psalm 71:14 ("As for me, I will always have hope.")

From the banks of the North Platte river on Moon River Ranch in Nebraska, USA

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Share this message with someone who needs encouragement this holiday season, and let’s spread the joy and wonder of Christmas together.

We’re going all in on believing that we have the tools to change our minds and change our lives. Living from a mind-down perspective changes everything, and it will help you harness the transforming power the Bible promises in Romans 12.

And the good news is, you can start today.

Be sure to check out last week’s letter if you missed it!

If you need a treatment plan to help you overcome any kind of trauma, tragedy, or massive thing in your life, check out my latest book, Hope Is the First Dose. And if you’re looking for something else to read, here’s a list of some of the best books I read this year*.

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