When Suffering People Ask, "Why?"
Three resources, a surprising answer from science, and some scripture to make sense of it all
Good morning my friend!
It’s been an intensely windy weekend here in Nebraska. We pray that you are safe and well wherever you are.
Note:
Today’s letter is FULL of links to resources from my work and others that will serve as a helpful guide to you on the topic of suffering.
Please bookmark it and use it in the future if you’re having trouble.
A couple of months ago, we went to Dallas had a great time with Joni and Doug on the Daystar Network set filming interviews for two of their shows. I shared the first one with you a while back, but the second one aired this week. Below is the video of my talk with the ladies on Joni Table Talk.
In the conversation, we discuss the reality that sometimes in life we encounter hard things that are never understandable. Some things happen that don’t make sense, and those inevitable “Why?” questions can’t be answered.
Today, I want to give you an alternative to the “Why?” questions, because when we don’t get answers we sometimes get stuck in a downward spiral of grief and pain. We can begin to believe that we can’t move forward until we understand why we’re suffering, and if no answers come, we don’t know what to do.
We unpack that problem in the video, so if you’ve gone through some sort of trauma or tragedy or other massive thing, I pray it will be helpful to you.
Here are three additional resources that will be helpful to you if you’re suffering in some way. I did a two-part podcast to discuss the theology and the neurobiology of suffering recently, and we went deep into the faith and science elements of how to find hope again when life gets hard. The third link is to an episode in which we did a deep dive into the importance of seeing God’s role in suffering clearly, so that we find help from him there instead of blaming him. That one mental switch can make a huge difference in your post-massive thing life.
Here’s Some Science
Remember that trauma isn’t the thing that happened to you. If it were, then it would be impossible to recover emotionally from hard things, since it will always remain true that they happened. But since two people can go through the exact same trauma (war, abuse, disaster, anything) and have two very different responses to it, then trauma cannot be THE EVENT, but rather the way in which we respond. That’s very good news, because it means that if we can learn healthier responses, we can have hope for healing no matter what we’re suffering from.
Of course, I’m referring to the parts of healing that are related to our emotional lives. We all know people who are dying of their cancer who come alive spiritually or emotionally during their physical illness, and people who survive their diseases but are wrecked emotionally by the experience. I discussed four types of responses to hardship in my most recent book, and laid them out in this post.
From the neuroscience side, the default mode network (which I talked about in this podcast) is a group of brain regions that are linked together and are active when you’re not actively thinking about anything else. This network ties in memory, emotion, “random” thoughts, and self-referential thinking. This means that when your brain is not actively focused on a task, you are profoundly self-focused by default.
This is why suffering and hard experiences make us so prone to be lost in the thoughts that always seem to be related to questions like, “Why is this happening to me.”
Here’s Some Scripture
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…” Romans 5:3-4, ESV
Let’s Smash Them Together
Many studies (like this one) have shown that up to two-thirds of people who go through hard things like cancer report that these experiences ultimately make them more resilient, grateful, and even healthier in the end (through changing lifestyles, habits, improving their mindset, etc.).
Further, multiple functional brain imaging studies have shown that people who frequently pray and meditate increase the physical size and metabolic function of the parts of their brains responsible for resilience, emotional regulation, and calming of the default mode network to develop a less self-focused mindset.
So What Should I Do, Doc?
When we go through hard things, it naturally makes us ask, “Why?” And those why questions often lead us down a dark path towards feeling isolated, wondering whether God is for us (or even real) or against us, and sometimes getting stuck. This can also be a time of choosing coping mechanisms or numbing behaviors (like medications, alcohol, etc.) that ultimately keep us stuck (and violate at least two of the Ten Commandments of Self-Brain Surgery).
Mark Vroegop wrote in his stunning book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy that, “Our natural bias is to individualize suffering.” Knowing that trauma, tragedy, and other forms of suffering tend to push us towards self-focus, and that this is a path that often leads to being stuck, self-malpractice, and the scary place of being unable to control the racing thoughts and unchecked emotions of an unhealthy trauma response.
Here’s what to do:
Remember that the science is on your side. People who suffer often find eventually that they’ve somehow managed to experience personal growth and healing not despite of the trouble, but because of it. And the Bible makes it clear that God will be close to you while you’re hurting (Psalm 34:18), and that can use what you go through for your good eventually (Romans 8:28).
So the secret to navigating hardship in a healthier way seems to be that we should keep in mind that our brains will try to make us turn inward and make us focus on the “Why me?” questions, but that isn’t the best way forward. The better question is, “What now?”
So let’s harness the power of quieting our default mode networks through prayer (like our ABIDE practice), touch our knees to the hallowed ground of what’s hurt us because we can now see it as not the moment that defines us, but the beginning of a process that will heal and refine us (Isaiah 48:10).
Grieve? Yes.
Mourn? Yes.
Stay there? No.
Suffering makes us ask questions. But if you want to become healthier, feel better, and be happier despite the inevitable suffering life will bring, we have to ask the right questions.
Not why, my friend, but what now.
The good news is, you can start today.
Lisa and I are praying for you.
Dum spiro spero (While I breathe, I hope),
Lee
Psalm 71:14 ("As for me, I will always have hope.")
From the banks of the North Platte river on Moon River Ranch in Nebraska, USA
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So appreciate your perspective on trauma as a response and one that can be healed 🙏🏼
I do appreciate your work. As I mourn the loss of my 21 year old son in December, I am often still overwhelmed with grief. Yesterday was one of those days where I just wanted to take to my bed and cry. I remembered your advice to take action. So, I got up showered, and went about my day doing my Saturday chores. I did feel a little better.